How to Write a First Message That Gets a Reply
Most people approach the first message as a performance: something clever, impressive, or designed to stand out. Research and large-scale platform data consistently suggest the opposite approach works better. The goal of a first message is not to be interesting — it is to make the other person want to respond.
Reference Something Specific in Their Profile
The single most consistent predictor of a reply is whether the first message references something specific from the other person's profile. This applies whether the platform is a dating app or an AI matching service. It signals that you actually read what they wrote, which is not universal, and it gives them something concrete to respond to.
The reference does not need to be elaborate. "Your photo from — was that taken in the Dolomites?" or "You mentioned you're a reader — what are you in the middle of right now?" are simple but effective because they open a specific thread.
Generic openers — "Hey", "How are you?", "You seem interesting" — have consistently lower response rates across every dataset that has looked at this. They require the other person to do all the work of starting a real conversation.
Ask One Question, Not Several
A common mistake is loading the first message with multiple questions. This can feel like an interview and is often left unanswered because it is not obvious which question to address first. One clear, open-ended question that flows naturally from the observation performs better.
Open-ended questions — ones that cannot be answered with yes or no — keep the conversation going more reliably than closed ones. "What did you think of it?" works better than "Did you enjoy it?"
Keep It Short
Long opening messages have lower reply rates than shorter ones. This is counterintuitive — more effort should signal more interest, and more interest should produce more replies. But in practice, a long message can feel like a lot to respond to, and many people will read it, feel slightly overwhelmed, and not get back to it.
Two to four sentences is generally the right length for a first message. Enough to establish that you are a real person with genuine interest, not so much that responding feels like a task.
Avoid Complimenting Appearance
Comments on physical appearance have lower reply rates than non-appearance-based openers across most platform data. This seems surprising, since attractiveness matters in dating. The reason is partly that appearance compliments are extremely common and therefore do not differentiate you, and partly that they can feel objectifying when they come from someone who knows nothing else about the person.
Commenting on something in the profile — a travel photo, a mentioned interest, a book in the background of a picture — accomplishes the same signalling (I noticed you) without the awkwardness.
Match the Tone of Their Profile
People write their profiles in different registers. Some are formal and considered; others are casual and jokey. A first message that dramatically mismatches the tone of someone's profile can feel off, even if its content is perfectly fine.
Reading the profile tone and matching it loosely is a small but meaningful adjustment. It signals social awareness and increases the likelihood that you will seem like someone they want to continue talking to.
What to Do If You Don't Get a Reply
Most first messages do not get a reply. This is true even for well-written ones on well-matched profiles. The reasons are numerous and mostly unrelated to the quality of your message: timing, the other person's circumstances, a match they just prioritised, a day when they were not checking the app.
One follow-up is reasonable after several days. Beyond that, moving on is the better investment of energy. The ratio of matches to meaningful conversations is lower than most people expect, which is an argument for using platforms that apply more filtering before the introduction rather than relying on volume.